No fear!

“It’s just a feeling…
It’s just a feeling
It’s like how do you tell somebody how it feels to be in love?
How are you going to tell anybody who has not been in love, how it feels to be in love?
You cannot to save your life
You can describe things, But you can’t tell them
But you know it, when it happens that’s what I mean by freedom

I’ll tell you what freedom is to me, no fear!
No fear!”



No fear because the song flies without need for direction
No fear because there no uncertainty just assurance
No fear because vanity has no power
No fear because the sky feels closer
No fear because the colours around look brighter
No fear because there is truth in the heart
No fear because there is love in the mind
No fear because there is wisdom in the silence
Beauty in the madness
Art in the method
Fire in the belly
Feeling in the expression
No fear!


Inspired by the Nina Simone

Where hope ends.

A man stands at the edge of a cliff
Behind him a vastness of nothing but land
Mole hills and desert bushes
Fading hills from the color of wide horizons
From far he comes
On his way he’s learnt
Of himself and of others and he’s resolve to become

Now he stands
And before him a darkness
His fear most well defined
And a choice to live or to die
Fall free or turn to past
And wonder what could or would

The man stares to the blank
Of the darkness so big and bold
And the fear turns more into question
After this, what next for my mission

Then he falls
There lies his hope.

Shame

Shame. A word used derogatorily to imply embarrassing or distasteful in act. We all have it. We have it for our weaknesses, our shortfalls, our uniqueness, our nature and anything that makes us stand out.

Many times when we experience aggression of any kind, we immediately, almost instinctively, become defensive. The finger pointed at us is the finger that is with judgment. The other is the enemy and we the victims. In such moments, rarely do we find reason in argument. We raise our voices and quickly speak even when unprepared for debate. The argument or disagreement immediately looses meaning and turns to a fight.

Commonly, people say every relationship has to have fights. Fights to them mean disagreement. To some, fights can be violent or even offensive. This is allowed apparently. It is permitted that couples or siblings or coworkers can offend each other for “character development” in the name of disagreement.

I have been an alien many times in the spaces I’ve taken and this is something I have grown accustomed to. The reason I’ve been different is because I am mostly a dreamer. I live very much in a world unknown or unseen. A world of idealism. I believe that conflict is unnecessary and kindness is paramount but the reality is contrary and this gets me into many debates most of the time. The reason I digress to speak on my separation is because I do not believe in negative methods of dealing with things or people. This is not as the real world is and for this reason I falter in opinion against many others who may or may not be my peers.

For example, we all are aware that there’s climate change going on and some may or may not know what this means for the world we live in. However, most people especially here in Africa where I reside, are oblivious or indifferent to the crisis at hand. The reason being, nothing can be perfect. To them, as long as they have a shelter over their heads, food on the table and clothes on their backs, they are well. I know for a fact that on my own, I cannot change a whole planet in how things are done but what measure can I take that can transform it? By looking in the mirror.

Taking responsibility for my actions is the first and most important step and this applies to anything. When you, my dear reader, are in contention with anyone, the first and most important step to take is to look in the mirror, this of course is metaphorically speaking. Pointing fingers doesn’t really bring solution to any pickle.

The basic level of humanity is relationship. The reason for any conflict stems from some form of shame. And shame is a fear of exposure of reality or a fear of vulnerability. The shame that we all bare is what makes simple disagreement, aggressive. It is the shame that the truth has been spoken or exposed. The best way to fight shame is to face it. Stare at it long enough and it then becomes a normality and not an abnormality.

Also am a pacifist. What do I know? Live your life and Carpe diem!

Patient

I am awake
I have been for hours
I love to come here
At this bench by the beach
The sky is clear today so I will stare at the sea
How vast and mighty it is
Listen to the seagulls
The gushing tides
Look keenly at the horizon
Where perhaps the sea curves to the other side or where it ends
And wonder if maybe something small or large will show

I have no thoughts
Just mixed ideas
Of who I am
Or what I can
Or where I am
My name is Gonzaga, mickey mouse, Johnson and Steve Jobs
I answer to all names
I know that am old
My body feels pain still
My hair is a different color
But not one that is common with the supple skinned
I see the supple skinned
They bring me some drugs every morning to swallow
I know am not like them
They ask me my name every morning

“Are you Gonzaga?”
I say yes
For some reason they ask again, “Are you gandolf?”
And I say yes
Then I see the light deem in their eyes
I notice these things
I don’t know myself though

I forgot to cry today
I think I was supposed to
There was something that was poked on my arm
They said it would pinch a little
I even forgot to speak
How would I ask why?
I forget a lot these days
My mind is a mush

I am waiting however
Maybe for the day when I’ll smell nothing
Or the day when I’ll taste nothing
Or say nothing and do nothing
About all the nothing I have done
And the nothing I became
When the sun will set
And the dark will rise
And my mind will clear
And my heart will rest

Just the other day, now

Just the other day, you called me weird
Said I was silly for goofing in your kitchen
You chased me out,
Slapped my wrist for reaching out to your pot
You said I had to wait, food would be served in five

Just the other day, you yelled through the door
Said you better not find my clothes wrongly placed
I always said you were too much
You know I drop my clothes anyhow, but I still love you

Just the other day I woke up to close the window
It was suddenly too chilly and I wondered why
You slept through it as if your skin was cold proof
Just the other day I was mumbling and asking you why you let that get past you, such an unlikely behavior of you, I said

Just the other day you didn’t answer back
Call me a fool or something
Maybe even just cover up as soon as I got off the bed we shared
Just the other day, now am closing my eyes in strong focus
As all these plans fly around and over my head

Now, am clutching your hand as I sit beside this box you’re in
Holding tight so maybe you don’t leave me
Now am starving, now am crying, now am screaming
Now am hoping to go with you

I like to run.

I like to run away
I run away from my house
It’s for my wellness, I always say
My house is full
Too full
Memories are many
And even if I move
Even if I leave it all behind
Still, where I lay my head is where my memories reside

And these memories
They all melt down into an image
Of my hand holding a gun
Pointing to my mouth
Because I heard it’s quicker
So I run away
Into the clutches of labor
Into the dust of crowds
The mist of noise
Everything is better than nothing
Just loud and peaceful
Silence in the noise!

I don’t want to remember that I lost someone
I’d rather not think,
That someone died!
That all those years I spent with them, gone!
That… That is why I run
Why I like the noise
It’s where my head goes quiet

I remember myself.

I attended a wedding on Saturday
It was blissfully joyous
The colors were all screaming
The smiles not once exhausted
The children run around in freedom of care
The chicken, well roasted
The cake, creamy and glorious
The newly weds just beaming with love
And I remembered myself

Suddenly the music faded into my thoughts
The children ran slower than before
The room became smaller even more
The colors became brighter than my thoughts
The feelings came flooding
The lonely came crippling
Then I realized
I will never have this
It is written
Because, I remember myself

The death of my shoes.

They were black
They had shoe laces
Comfortable
Practical
Indominable Shoes

I wore them on every occasion
Special occasions most of all
I mean, I wore them better on special occasions
With matching everything
And black always pops you see

Black is always my favorite color
That’s why I had them
My black shoes
Comfortable
Sturdy? I suppose

This morning they walked right past me
When I was busy tending to time
Caring little for “things”
Just breathing as best I can
Then I saw them
Tired
Sad
Leaning to one side and then the other

This morning I saw their note
Right by the fire place
While I stared keenly at the fire
Just breathing as best I could
Living
And it said

“I loved you, goodbye now.”
And I stared even harder at the note
As though more words would add to this short sentence
Maybe if lucky, even an explanation
Perhaps a destination to where they both went
My beautiful black shoes
I didn’t know
I didn’t notice they were sad
Or tired
Now am left with a note
And I know one thing is sure
They both went to die.

Stare

Sometimes,
I stand against a white wall and I stare
With my white tee and my black skin I blend into the background and I am picturesque and I stare
Blankly into the plain vision in front of me
And I am transported
To where tears are only of joy and people break into joyous song and dance

Sometimes,
I do stare, I run away so fast into the beautiful sunset of my dreams
Where I am everything I only wish I could be
Where possibility is not just a word but a reality
Where freedom is not unattainable
Freedom to be happy without causing trouble
I don’t really want any trouble you see
People say I forget myself when I am too free
People say I shouldn’t be too free so
I stare

Sometimes,
I do stare
And momentarily my skin is great and my weight is right and my brain is bright
And I am all of it!
Just for that moment
I do stare
I need to you see
I am made strong by my stares
Even though am absent minded
I love to stare.

Things or People.

Hello there, I trust you are well. Please be forewarned of spoilers, not as many but still you can’t be too careful.

This is happening live.

Rosamund Pike and I met in the incredible film, gone girl where she starred beside Ben Affleck as Amy Dunne. It was an adaptation. I find film adaptations to be quite good because the books are more nuanced stories as compared to film scripts; my opinion. Gone girl was a psychological thriller which was so good, I sought after the script. It is the first script of a movie which I ever looked at because, much as I love good stories I am not an avid reader-to my embarrassment of course.

Rosamund Pike to my surprise I found out is british. I was surprised by this fact because she played a really convincing crazy american. I instantly became a fan. After that I’ve gone on to watch “Return to sender”, “pride and prejudice” and so on and I can definitely say, she is quite talented as an actress. Formidable is the right word.

So, when I saw her face plastered on the poster for “I care a lot”, I was sure this was absolutely worth a look.

So I added it to my watch list. Now you see, dear reader, the thing about me is that something good is best enjoyed with anticipation. So, I tend to push it far away so I can gather the excitement. However, there are some exceptions like for example, I binged on bridgerton in a day on the day it was released and, I was quite impressed. I rarely binge on anything, unless of course it is bridgerton and I am absolutely free.

Anyway, this is about “I care a lot” and the opening scene is DRAMA. The opening monologue is by Pike as Marla Grayson who is a professional guardian and she talks about how, simply put, life isn’t fair and that fair was a word created by the rich to fool everyone and that there’s only predator and prey. We are then led to another scene showing Miss. Pike rocking a blonde bob with a dominating silence as this frustrated son tries to “prevent” her from taking his mother into her “custody” in court. Please bare with me, again, this is happening live.

Dianne Wiest is in this one ladies and gentlemen; can’t go wrong. Just absolutely impeccable casting. The opening monologue now makes sense. Marla is clearly ambitious.

Okay, let’s start afresh. And let’s be brief. Obviously, I will lead by saying Peter Dinklage is in this movie. A thrilling story to follow. The highs and lows are extreme, hence the thrill. Rosamund outdid herself once more. Not that I’d expected any less. How she communicates with her facial expression is incredible or maybe just good cinematography. The whole premise of this movie, in my opinion, is about value of humanity versus material and the arc is absolutely amazing. I am passionate about humanity and so I know which team am on.

The reason I’m cutting lines here is because, I want you to find this movie and enjoy it yourself. It is art. And art is best interpreted in different ways. Also, it gets old describing a movie frame by frame.

So, my dear reader, are you good with money or you’re good with people?